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Opening to the moment when everything changes
Step 1- Forgive your greatest offender
"Whether you believe in these universal principles or not, they are going to work. But should you decide to tune into them, you may find yourself living at an entirely new level and enjoying a higher kind of awareness- an awakening, if you will." – Wayne Dyer
My greatest offender revealed himself on the evening of June 20, 2006. He was a horrible monster that had the power to take away everything I have worked so hard to create: a loving wife, a precious child, my work, and my dignity. He created bone-chilling fear in me and it took me a long time to forgive him for the suffering he had caused me. Before I tell you who is my greatest offender, I’d like to share with you the transformative power of forgiveness through the words of our friend with no personal email address to be found- Wayne Dyer.
Excerpts from You’ll See It When You Believe It by Wayne Dyer. HarperCollins. 1989 p. 3-9
“I never imagined myself needing to change. I did not have a plan to change my old ways, or a set of goals to improve anything in my life. I felt confident that I had my life running the way I wanted it to. I was extremely successful professionally and nothing seemed to be missing. Yet I have undergone a major transformation that has added a luster to each of my days that I never even contemplated a few years ago.
I spent many of my early years in foster homes, where my mother visited me whenever possible. All I knew of my father was what I heard from others, particular my two brothers. I pictured an abusive, non-caring person who wanted nothing to do with me and my brothers. The more I heard, the more I hated. The more I hated, the angrier I became. My anger turned to curiosity, and I dreamed constantly about meeting my father and confronting him directly. I became fixated on my hatred and on my desire to meet this man and get the answers firsthand.”
“In 1970 I received a call from a cousin I had never met, who had heard a rumor that my father had died in New Orleans. But I was in no position to investigate it. At the time, I was completing my doctoral studies, moving to New York to become an associate professor at St. John’s University, going through a painful divorce, “and stuck in place” when it came to my writing. In the next few years, I co-authored several texts on counseling and psychotherapy. I knew that I did not want to continue writing for strictly professional audiences, and yet nothing else would come to me. I was stuck personally (divorce), physically (overweight and out of shape), and spiritually (a pure pragmatist with no thoughts about metaphysics). My dreams about my father intensified. I would awaken in a fit of anger, having been dreaming about beating my father while he smiled back at me. Then came the turning point in my life.”
“In 1974 a colleague of mine at the university invited me to take an assignment in the South. She was a coordinator of a Federally financed program that was looking into the compliance rate of Southern colleges to the civil rights legislation of the 1960’s. She wanted me to make a visit to the Mississippi State College for Women in Columbus, Mississippi. When I decided to go, I telephoned the infirmary in New Orleans where my cousin had reported my father to have been, and learned that Melvin Lyle Dyer had died there ten years earlier of cirrhosis of the liver and other complications, and that his body had been shipped to Biloxi, Mississippi. Columbus, Mississippi, is about two hundred miles from Biloxi. I decided that this was it-when I finished my visit at the college, I was going to complete my journey and do whatever it took to close out this chapter in my life.
“When I finally stood looking at the marker on the grass, MELVIN LYLE DYER, I was transfixed. During the next two and a half hours I conversed with my father for the very first time. I cried out loud, oblivious to my surroundings. And I talked out loud, demanding answers from the grave. As the hours passed, I began to feel a deep sense of relief, and I became very quiet. The calmness was overwhelming. I was almost certain that my father was right there with me. I was no longer talking to a gravestone, but was somehow in the presence of something which I could not, and still cannot explain.
In one pure honest moment I experienced feeling forgiveness for the man who was my father and for the child I had been who wanted to know and love him. I felt a kind of peace and cleansing that was entirely new for me. Though I was unaware of it at the time, that simple act of forgiveness was the beginning of an entirely new level of experiencing life for me. I was on the threshold of a stage of my life that was to encompass worlds I could not even imagine in those days.
When I went back to New York, miracles began to appear everywhere. I wrote Your Erroneous Zones with ease. An agent arrived in my life through a series of ‘strange’ circumstances at exactly the right moment. I had a meeting with an executive of T.Y. Crowell Publishers, and a few days later he called to tell me that Crowell was going to publish my book.”
“Today, I am convinced that my experience of forgiveness, while emotionally draining at the moment it was occurring, was the beginning of my transformation. It was my first encounter with the power of my own mind to go beyond what I previously considered the constraints of the physical world and my physical body.”-
Excerpts from You’ll See It When You Believe It by Wayne Dyer. HarperCollins. 1989 p. 3-9
When I first read this story while doing research for my book, I was struck by the rawness and nakedness of Wayne’s words to his father. Forgiveness can only come out of an honest and hard look at our feelings about our offender. No sugar coating when you confront him or her. Let him have it if you must, but then realize that holding on to your anger is only hurting one person: That is you. I realized something even more profound. My attachment to my role as the victim was keeping me from believing that I deserved joy, freedom and love.
So who was my greatest offender? Who wronged me so terribly that holding on to my anger kept me from living a life of fulfillment, confidence and passion? On June 20, 2006, I reached a turning point when after weeks of binge drinking to numb my feeling of unworthiness; I was finally stopped by the police for drinking and driving. I had eight beers that night and was sure to be arrested. The time it took for the cop to check out my driver’s license seemed to last an eternity. During this time, my thoughts were of how disappointed and ashamed my family would be. How I would have to call my wife from the precinct and she would have to dress my two year old daughter to come and get me or let me sit in jail for the usual three days. For a man who has always seen himself as ultra-responsible and committed to his family, this notion was nothing short of a living hell. The cop reached my car and railed on me. I was too drunk to now remember exactly what expletives he used but in the end, he looked over at the baby car seat in the back and had mercy on me. He let me go with just a verbal warning. All I could think was what a bullet I had dodged. I then heard a voice inside my head as clear as any I have ever heard say to me “This is your last chance”. I went upstairs and read “Good Night Moon” to my daughter. I went to bed trembling for what could have been. I did not tell my wife until a year later and I hated myself for having come so close to ruining a blessed life through my selfishness. Well I have not touched alcohol since. After coming clean to my wife and having a forgiving moment like Wayne’s with myself, I now can say that I have freed myself from this demon. Having done so has provided the space to accelerate my quest for the moment when everything changes. Forgive your greatest offender. Especially if that offender is yourself.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Countdown to the Superman Effect- 52 days
Where do I stand? If I take stock of who I think I am at this moment and I am as honest with myself as I can possibly be, the world transforms into a scary place. My inner world becomes the Hall of Judgments, where everyone is out to get me and everyone else is right. A friend of mine who has been following my blog offered to lend me a Superman costume for Halloween. I turned her down because I don’t feel like identifying with Superman, at least not yet. Who do I identify with? Is there a path that leads to always feeling grounded and at peace with who we are?
I feel unmotivated all too often. It is exhausting work to consistently attempt to fulfill what I believe to be other’s expectations of me: Dennis the performer, the Disco dancer, the leader, the extrovert, the one who has all the answers at work and now the Super-blogger-man. What I have come to realize though is the idea that these expectations that others have of me, is an illusion projected by my own insecurities. I have such a fear of being found out as a phony. This fear is what causes me dis-stress, so where do I stand? I work very hard at the office to give off the “I’m busy , I care and I’m on it” persona. I do this so that I never hear the dreaded words, “Dennis is a fake, he is not good enough to take us to the next level, he is not committed, he is a disappointment, and we would do better without him.” I have to admit that one of the reasons it is so difficult to resign from my position is because I am still trying to prove myself at work. If I don’t let this go, I will take this stress with me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself as a writer, a lecturer, and a healer. Scary place.
So is there a place to stand? One of my favorite souls on this planet is Ram Dass. 15 years ago, I bought a set of his taped lectures and my life would have turned out very differently had I not done so. Every time I have felt depressed since, I put on his tapes and go for a run. I come back feeling free. What Ram Dass says about whether there is a place we can stand is that there is one place: “We can stand nowhere”. If I stop thinking that I am the doer, the actor in this play and let go of the “I” in “I have to…” then there is nowhere to stand. If I sit with the laziness without judging it, then out of this uncomfortable stillness comes a slight movement. This movement does not come from a place of obligation or to impress anyone but out of purity. Then it does not matter what I do. I can wear a Superman costume or skip a day in my blog. I can stay at the university or write five books and sell them on Oprah. This is what it means to stand nowhere. No-where or Now-here.
As you can see, the war I wrote about in my first entry still rages. It helps to blog about it. Patience is not my strongest suit and I have 51 days to go. I’ll leave you with a short story about the moment Harvard Professor Richard Allpert became Ram Dass.
“My deepest teachings on the subject of death came from Maharajii, my guru- but interestingly enough, my mother cropped up several times in the course of my connecting with him. First of all, she appeared to me on the ceiling of my hotel room in Nepal, while I was lying there trying to decide whether to go on to Japan with my friend David Padwa, or go back into India with Bhagawan Das and do temple pilgrimages… As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do my mother appeared. She looked at me with a look that was both peeved and pleased at the same time. The middle-class mother role was peeved, saying, “When are you going to settle down and become a responsible member of the community?” But the other, pleased, part of her was saying, “Go, baby, go!” ..There she was in a hotel in Kathmandu, encouraging me to go to India- where, as it turned out, Maharajii was lying in wait for me.”
A few months later, when I first met Maharajii, it was through an exchange regarding my mother that he blew my mind and opened my heart to him. The day I met him, Maharajii said to me, “Your mother died last year.” He closed his eyes and he said , “She got very big in the stomach before she died”- which was true, because of her enlarged spleen. I said, “Yes”. Then he spoke the only word that he said in English, the organ that had killed my mother. The one word brought my mind to a screeching halt. How did he know? How did he know? My mind was like one of those pinball machines going “Tilt!”- it stopped dead in its tracks! And then my heart could open to him.”- Ram Dass
I feel unmotivated all too often. It is exhausting work to consistently attempt to fulfill what I believe to be other’s expectations of me: Dennis the performer, the Disco dancer, the leader, the extrovert, the one who has all the answers at work and now the Super-blogger-man. What I have come to realize though is the idea that these expectations that others have of me, is an illusion projected by my own insecurities. I have such a fear of being found out as a phony. This fear is what causes me dis-stress, so where do I stand? I work very hard at the office to give off the “I’m busy , I care and I’m on it” persona. I do this so that I never hear the dreaded words, “Dennis is a fake, he is not good enough to take us to the next level, he is not committed, he is a disappointment, and we would do better without him.” I have to admit that one of the reasons it is so difficult to resign from my position is because I am still trying to prove myself at work. If I don’t let this go, I will take this stress with me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself as a writer, a lecturer, and a healer. Scary place.
So is there a place to stand? One of my favorite souls on this planet is Ram Dass. 15 years ago, I bought a set of his taped lectures and my life would have turned out very differently had I not done so. Every time I have felt depressed since, I put on his tapes and go for a run. I come back feeling free. What Ram Dass says about whether there is a place we can stand is that there is one place: “We can stand nowhere”. If I stop thinking that I am the doer, the actor in this play and let go of the “I” in “I have to…” then there is nowhere to stand. If I sit with the laziness without judging it, then out of this uncomfortable stillness comes a slight movement. This movement does not come from a place of obligation or to impress anyone but out of purity. Then it does not matter what I do. I can wear a Superman costume or skip a day in my blog. I can stay at the university or write five books and sell them on Oprah. This is what it means to stand nowhere. No-where or Now-here.
As you can see, the war I wrote about in my first entry still rages. It helps to blog about it. Patience is not my strongest suit and I have 51 days to go. I’ll leave you with a short story about the moment Harvard Professor Richard Allpert became Ram Dass.
“My deepest teachings on the subject of death came from Maharajii, my guru- but interestingly enough, my mother cropped up several times in the course of my connecting with him. First of all, she appeared to me on the ceiling of my hotel room in Nepal, while I was lying there trying to decide whether to go on to Japan with my friend David Padwa, or go back into India with Bhagawan Das and do temple pilgrimages… As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do my mother appeared. She looked at me with a look that was both peeved and pleased at the same time. The middle-class mother role was peeved, saying, “When are you going to settle down and become a responsible member of the community?” But the other, pleased, part of her was saying, “Go, baby, go!” ..There she was in a hotel in Kathmandu, encouraging me to go to India- where, as it turned out, Maharajii was lying in wait for me.”
A few months later, when I first met Maharajii, it was through an exchange regarding my mother that he blew my mind and opened my heart to him. The day I met him, Maharajii said to me, “Your mother died last year.” He closed his eyes and he said , “She got very big in the stomach before she died”- which was true, because of her enlarged spleen. I said, “Yes”. Then he spoke the only word that he said in English, the organ that had killed my mother. The one word brought my mind to a screeching halt. How did he know? How did he know? My mind was like one of those pinball machines going “Tilt!”- it stopped dead in its tracks! And then my heart could open to him.”- Ram Dass
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Countdown to The Superman Effect- 53 days
I asked my co-worker this morning, “Did you have a red toy ring with a big diamond when you were a kid?” “Yes, why? That’s a random question” she says. She turns to my boss who was also in my office and says “Everything Dennis asks is random”. We all laugh. I start thinking: ‘I can’t tell her, she wouldn’t understand and worse, she will judge me as tipped just a little bit too far. No, I have to tell her. It might help.’ I decide I’m going to go for it.
My co-worker, who’s Dad has been diagnosed with brain disease and has scans showing atrophy has confided in me that she is an only child because she lost her brother when he was three years old. I went to her desk and dove in. ‘I’ve got something to tell you. Last night while I was meditating, your dad’s soul came through. He is concerned about you. More than that, it seems like your faith and positive outlook about his healing chances is extremely important, possibly more so than his own. You see, on some levels of existence, you and he are not separate and you can have a direct effect on his healing. That’s not all, your brother’s soul came through and showed me that he is with you helping his dad through this. He showed me a red toy diamond ring.” At that point, she began to cry and could not say anything else. I told her to keep this between us. I am still very insecure about “coming out” to all my co-workers, especially since I am in a management position.
So what is this energy that I keep referring to? I’m not quite sure, but the best way to describe it is that feeling you get when something eerily coincidental happens and your hairs stand up at the back of your head but I get it coursing through my body when there is resonance between different spiritual frequencies. Like a tuning fork that causes another one to vibrate, when a soul or higher self comes through to my field of awareness, I feel it as this very clear and pronounced energy and at that point, thought communication or images follow. I feel a confirmation of what has been said or seen, like an accent mark at the end of a sentence, as this movement of energy throughout my body.
Sometimes, I just feel it in my upper body, sometimes just through my brain (very weird, but very cool), but there have been times when this ecstatic energy moves throughout my whole body. Unless, I feel this energy, I don’t share what I have experienced. Yes, I do question my experiences as acts of my imagination so I wait for “confirmation”. I’ve been learning about Edgar Cayce and others who have tapped into what is called the “Akashic Records”. This is a repository of all knowledge and the place where all energy frequencies converge into a coherent and unified system. In the early 1900’s, Edgar Cayce used to diagnose and remedy diseases that the medical community had yet to identify. He believed this gift came from the ability to access the Akashic Records.
But right now, the Akashic Records are NOT telling me what life will look like after Resignation Day. It might as well be 5300 days. My day today was full of activity: decisions on internet marketing strategies, changes in admissions policies, I submitted my recommendations on re-organizing our department, I dealt with immature employees that were complaining because we did not let them leave as early as they wanted to due to inclement weather, I planned our participation in a Hispanic MBA event that is taking place tomorrow and on and on.
The only work related moment I will remember from today is the moment I moved my co-worker. I know I said I would write about my teachers and guides. I’m a bit under the weather so I decided to deviate. I need to rest. Tomorrow you’ll meet Ram Dass. He’s a trip.
My co-worker, who’s Dad has been diagnosed with brain disease and has scans showing atrophy has confided in me that she is an only child because she lost her brother when he was three years old. I went to her desk and dove in. ‘I’ve got something to tell you. Last night while I was meditating, your dad’s soul came through. He is concerned about you. More than that, it seems like your faith and positive outlook about his healing chances is extremely important, possibly more so than his own. You see, on some levels of existence, you and he are not separate and you can have a direct effect on his healing. That’s not all, your brother’s soul came through and showed me that he is with you helping his dad through this. He showed me a red toy diamond ring.” At that point, she began to cry and could not say anything else. I told her to keep this between us. I am still very insecure about “coming out” to all my co-workers, especially since I am in a management position.
So what is this energy that I keep referring to? I’m not quite sure, but the best way to describe it is that feeling you get when something eerily coincidental happens and your hairs stand up at the back of your head but I get it coursing through my body when there is resonance between different spiritual frequencies. Like a tuning fork that causes another one to vibrate, when a soul or higher self comes through to my field of awareness, I feel it as this very clear and pronounced energy and at that point, thought communication or images follow. I feel a confirmation of what has been said or seen, like an accent mark at the end of a sentence, as this movement of energy throughout my body.
Sometimes, I just feel it in my upper body, sometimes just through my brain (very weird, but very cool), but there have been times when this ecstatic energy moves throughout my whole body. Unless, I feel this energy, I don’t share what I have experienced. Yes, I do question my experiences as acts of my imagination so I wait for “confirmation”. I’ve been learning about Edgar Cayce and others who have tapped into what is called the “Akashic Records”. This is a repository of all knowledge and the place where all energy frequencies converge into a coherent and unified system. In the early 1900’s, Edgar Cayce used to diagnose and remedy diseases that the medical community had yet to identify. He believed this gift came from the ability to access the Akashic Records.
But right now, the Akashic Records are NOT telling me what life will look like after Resignation Day. It might as well be 5300 days. My day today was full of activity: decisions on internet marketing strategies, changes in admissions policies, I submitted my recommendations on re-organizing our department, I dealt with immature employees that were complaining because we did not let them leave as early as they wanted to due to inclement weather, I planned our participation in a Hispanic MBA event that is taking place tomorrow and on and on.
The only work related moment I will remember from today is the moment I moved my co-worker. I know I said I would write about my teachers and guides. I’m a bit under the weather so I decided to deviate. I need to rest. Tomorrow you’ll meet Ram Dass. He’s a trip.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Countdown to The Superman Effect- 54 days
Mother Teresa had what she called “a call within a call” on September 10, 1946. Abraham Lincoln, after seeing a slave auction for the first time as a young man and before he ever thought about politics, turned to his friend and said ‘If I ever get a chance to hit this thing (slavery), I’ll hit it hard”. Recovering from brain surgery, Lance Armstrong thought “All I knew was that I felt I had a mission to serve others that I’d never had before, and I took it more seriously than anything in the world.” Rosa Parks, after her infamous refusal to give up her seat thought “I knew that I would never, never ride another segregated bus, even if I had to walk to work.”
What instantly happens to human beings when there is an alignment of universal forces that support a clear life vision and purpose? Are our mind, body and spirit forever altered? Who does the altering? How does this affect those we come in contact with? Does the process of transformational change in one, forever raise the collective consciousness of all? These moments of decision come to all of us. Our circle of influence may seem small in the physical plane, but time reveals the interconnectedness of all of our actions to further the evolution of mankind. Learning to recognize and sit with this defining moment when it arrives will transform our lives and propel us to the realization of our true nature. The book I am writing is intended to encourage reflection and an exploration of the universal language of feeling. The emotional energy found in the stories I am putting together will move you to serve, to see meaning all around you. Over and over, you will read the phrases “I knew I had to..”, “I realized I must..”, or “at that moment, I made a decision to..”, The moment calls us to an action greater than ourselves. If in your own life this moment is in the past, you have undoubtedly experienced its many fruits and your life has never been the same since. You may not fully appreciate the ripple effects of your service but you know that your life would be very different had the moment not arrived. If the moment is in the future, trust that you are moving towards it even if you are unsatisfied with your current perceptions of reality. A blade of grass grows regardless of whether we can observe the growth day to day. So it is with our movement towards the moment. This is the journey all beings are on. It is the journey of remembering who we truly are.
Are you filled with energy when you think about going to work? Ever since I decided to become a transformational author and live out my true nature, I have a renewed sense of purpose. I used to dread the question “What do you do?” What kind of question is that? Well, I’m Associate Director of Marketing and New Student Enrollment for the School of Management and the School of Computer and Information Sciences at an adult learning institution of Higher Education” (Get me a bucket). That’s not fair. It is an honorable profession. But it isn’t me. I’m the guy who will spend hours at night praying for the father of a co-worker because he was just diagnosed with brain disease. I’m the guy who calls his best friend to tell him that I am “certain” his baby will be born perfect with no complications because I communicated with the baby’s soul. I’m the guy who can't sleep because I have seen spirits go into my children’s room and my job is to clear them and keep vigil. I care more about lifting the mood of those in my office than increasing enrollments. I’m the guy who has to follow his dream. I have no choice. It is the last thing I have left to do on this earth.
Tomorrow, I’d like to write about my teachers and guides. Not one of them was part of my MBA or MFA programs. Now, I’ve got to call it quits. I’m supposed to work on a proposal to reorganize my entire department supposedly with me in the picture. It is much easier to write a bestseller.
What instantly happens to human beings when there is an alignment of universal forces that support a clear life vision and purpose? Are our mind, body and spirit forever altered? Who does the altering? How does this affect those we come in contact with? Does the process of transformational change in one, forever raise the collective consciousness of all? These moments of decision come to all of us. Our circle of influence may seem small in the physical plane, but time reveals the interconnectedness of all of our actions to further the evolution of mankind. Learning to recognize and sit with this defining moment when it arrives will transform our lives and propel us to the realization of our true nature. The book I am writing is intended to encourage reflection and an exploration of the universal language of feeling. The emotional energy found in the stories I am putting together will move you to serve, to see meaning all around you. Over and over, you will read the phrases “I knew I had to..”, “I realized I must..”, or “at that moment, I made a decision to..”, The moment calls us to an action greater than ourselves. If in your own life this moment is in the past, you have undoubtedly experienced its many fruits and your life has never been the same since. You may not fully appreciate the ripple effects of your service but you know that your life would be very different had the moment not arrived. If the moment is in the future, trust that you are moving towards it even if you are unsatisfied with your current perceptions of reality. A blade of grass grows regardless of whether we can observe the growth day to day. So it is with our movement towards the moment. This is the journey all beings are on. It is the journey of remembering who we truly are.
Are you filled with energy when you think about going to work? Ever since I decided to become a transformational author and live out my true nature, I have a renewed sense of purpose. I used to dread the question “What do you do?” What kind of question is that? Well, I’m Associate Director of Marketing and New Student Enrollment for the School of Management and the School of Computer and Information Sciences at an adult learning institution of Higher Education” (Get me a bucket). That’s not fair. It is an honorable profession. But it isn’t me. I’m the guy who will spend hours at night praying for the father of a co-worker because he was just diagnosed with brain disease. I’m the guy who calls his best friend to tell him that I am “certain” his baby will be born perfect with no complications because I communicated with the baby’s soul. I’m the guy who can't sleep because I have seen spirits go into my children’s room and my job is to clear them and keep vigil. I care more about lifting the mood of those in my office than increasing enrollments. I’m the guy who has to follow his dream. I have no choice. It is the last thing I have left to do on this earth.
Tomorrow, I’d like to write about my teachers and guides. Not one of them was part of my MBA or MFA programs. Now, I’ve got to call it quits. I’m supposed to work on a proposal to reorganize my entire department supposedly with me in the picture. It is much easier to write a bestseller.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Countdown to The Superman Effect- 55 days
My friend sent me an email this morning after reading yesterday’s blog post that said:
“I am following your blog....it looks like you are already resigned from your position.....”
I’m sure in many ways he is right, but the reason why this is no done deal is because the university has been my safety net for eight years. It all started with a risk and reward. It will end with one as well. In 2002, the company I worked with at the time went belly-up. It invested millions into internet marketing and operations about six months before the dotcom bust. Brilliant decision! The company went from 300 employees in 1997 when I joined, to six when I left. My boss brought me into her office one day and said “Dennis, I have some bad news. In two weeks, you will be next”.
I was about to be laid off for the first time in my life. I had applied to the university four months before, and was told that although they were still interested in me, there was a hiring freeze so they could not extend an offer. So now I was in a waiting game. What was I to do? We didn’t have kids at the time, but my wife was clearly not making enough money to support us both and we had just bought our first home. Sitting with this fear of the unknown, I made an inspired decision. I was going to say screw it all and ask for a week’s vacation to take my wife on our first trip oversees to Paris. Permission granted with a big smile from my supervisor. Hey, I could either get laid off, be jobless and not go to Paris or get laid off, be jobless and go to Paris. It was two days before Valentine’s Day so I found a package deal through France Vacations, got a French bottle of wine, a French Tulip and tied the itinerary around it. I scored major points that night! “Oh by the way, I’m about to get laid off when we get back from Paris” Response from my wife: “Oh well, at least we’re going to Paris!” I love her! While taking a stroll down the Champs Elysees, something told me to check my messages at home. Lo and behold, I had a message from the university: “We can now extend to you the position.” That was one of the happiest moments of my life! I threw caution to the wind and trusted that everything will work out.
I did not get laid off and so began my journey up the ranks of an adult learning institution. A lot of life has been lived in the past eight years. I have gotten to know amazing people who have seen me through family deaths, illnesses, getting an MBA, and becoming a director over a group of 25 employees. How do you leave your family? How do you just walk away from your own creation? Perhaps my friend is right. I am writing this blog to force my own hand to go through with it. Just like going to Paris forced me to enjoy life and choose happiness over fear.
There is one other point I neglected to mention: Still not sure how I’m going to replace my income while I wait for my first book to be a bestseller. Minor detail, I know. I told my wife, that maybe someone will read my blog and as I reach Resignation Day, the newspapers and TV networks will be swarming at the university, waiting to see if I hand deliver the letter to my boss. Will he go through with it? Stay tuned tomorrow for another episode of…Countdown to The Superman Effect.
“I am following your blog....it looks like you are already resigned from your position.....”
I’m sure in many ways he is right, but the reason why this is no done deal is because the university has been my safety net for eight years. It all started with a risk and reward. It will end with one as well. In 2002, the company I worked with at the time went belly-up. It invested millions into internet marketing and operations about six months before the dotcom bust. Brilliant decision! The company went from 300 employees in 1997 when I joined, to six when I left. My boss brought me into her office one day and said “Dennis, I have some bad news. In two weeks, you will be next”.
I was about to be laid off for the first time in my life. I had applied to the university four months before, and was told that although they were still interested in me, there was a hiring freeze so they could not extend an offer. So now I was in a waiting game. What was I to do? We didn’t have kids at the time, but my wife was clearly not making enough money to support us both and we had just bought our first home. Sitting with this fear of the unknown, I made an inspired decision. I was going to say screw it all and ask for a week’s vacation to take my wife on our first trip oversees to Paris. Permission granted with a big smile from my supervisor. Hey, I could either get laid off, be jobless and not go to Paris or get laid off, be jobless and go to Paris. It was two days before Valentine’s Day so I found a package deal through France Vacations, got a French bottle of wine, a French Tulip and tied the itinerary around it. I scored major points that night! “Oh by the way, I’m about to get laid off when we get back from Paris” Response from my wife: “Oh well, at least we’re going to Paris!” I love her! While taking a stroll down the Champs Elysees, something told me to check my messages at home. Lo and behold, I had a message from the university: “We can now extend to you the position.” That was one of the happiest moments of my life! I threw caution to the wind and trusted that everything will work out.
I did not get laid off and so began my journey up the ranks of an adult learning institution. A lot of life has been lived in the past eight years. I have gotten to know amazing people who have seen me through family deaths, illnesses, getting an MBA, and becoming a director over a group of 25 employees. How do you leave your family? How do you just walk away from your own creation? Perhaps my friend is right. I am writing this blog to force my own hand to go through with it. Just like going to Paris forced me to enjoy life and choose happiness over fear.
There is one other point I neglected to mention: Still not sure how I’m going to replace my income while I wait for my first book to be a bestseller. Minor detail, I know. I told my wife, that maybe someone will read my blog and as I reach Resignation Day, the newspapers and TV networks will be swarming at the university, waiting to see if I hand deliver the letter to my boss. Will he go through with it? Stay tuned tomorrow for another episode of…Countdown to The Superman Effect.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Countdown to The Superman Effect- 56 days
I woke up this morning to the news that my brother in-law’s father who was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, had passed away of a sudden heart complication, only to find out an hour later that he is not yet dead. Although in a coma, he is still exhibiting vital signs. I see deep mystery present in every day. That is the life I lead. A life in which profound energy moves through my body when I am in meditation, and I, way too frequently sense the thoughts and emotions of souls that are near death, near birth and near the threshold in between. The far out part of it all is that leaving the university freaks me out but THIS does not. I am at home, traveling through other dimensions and seeking ways to help heal others. At the risk of sounding like Yogi Berra, it all started at the beginning.
I have always had a sense of reverence for the unseen. I knew from my early days that if all we did was focus on what we can see, hear, touch, feel or taste that we would miss many magic moments in our lives. These moments reveal extraordinary purpose but are so easily dismissed by our rational mind. As a child, I loved to read about the Catholic saints, the Indian yogis, stories of past lives, time travel, and prophecy. This was way more interesting to me than math or any of the physical sciences. This passion for the deep mysteries of life has never left me and I am not allowed to leave it. I have witnessed an evolution in my experience of the unseen. What I am about to reveal to you may make you uncomfortable and it may even force you to question my sanity. That’s okay. It’s time to let it all hang out. If I am going to quit my job and start living in public the life my family and I have lived in private, then keeping this information from you makes no sense to me. My first book is not about my metaphysical experiences. It is about the transformative moment in the lives of influential characters both historical and contemporary. However, my moment only makes sense within the context and recognition of my own extraordinary experiences.
It began as a feeling that there were others in the room when I was alone, to seeing and communicating with spirits in my room. I would be kept awake and be drawn to my sacred space for hours in the middle of the night. Like, John Edward from Crossing Over, my meditation of choice was the Rosary. The Rosary became a doorway to extrasensory communication and the information that would be revealed was always for the healing of the mind, body and spirit. This call to prayer takes me over and does not let me rest until I am clear on the information that is to be revealed. My higher self counsels those that are crossing over either from this physical plane to the next, confused spirits holding on to guilt or souls questioning whether this is the right time to incarnate. In time, I will reveal more details but until then, please stay open to mystery. Listen to your heart and try not to judge the information you receive as possible or impossible. Just sit with it. Trust that you are being guided by forces that are all too safe. These forces are teaching us all. It is all possible. Feel free to remind me of this if I have a freak out episode on my way to Resignation Day.
I have always had a sense of reverence for the unseen. I knew from my early days that if all we did was focus on what we can see, hear, touch, feel or taste that we would miss many magic moments in our lives. These moments reveal extraordinary purpose but are so easily dismissed by our rational mind. As a child, I loved to read about the Catholic saints, the Indian yogis, stories of past lives, time travel, and prophecy. This was way more interesting to me than math or any of the physical sciences. This passion for the deep mysteries of life has never left me and I am not allowed to leave it. I have witnessed an evolution in my experience of the unseen. What I am about to reveal to you may make you uncomfortable and it may even force you to question my sanity. That’s okay. It’s time to let it all hang out. If I am going to quit my job and start living in public the life my family and I have lived in private, then keeping this information from you makes no sense to me. My first book is not about my metaphysical experiences. It is about the transformative moment in the lives of influential characters both historical and contemporary. However, my moment only makes sense within the context and recognition of my own extraordinary experiences.
It began as a feeling that there were others in the room when I was alone, to seeing and communicating with spirits in my room. I would be kept awake and be drawn to my sacred space for hours in the middle of the night. Like, John Edward from Crossing Over, my meditation of choice was the Rosary. The Rosary became a doorway to extrasensory communication and the information that would be revealed was always for the healing of the mind, body and spirit. This call to prayer takes me over and does not let me rest until I am clear on the information that is to be revealed. My higher self counsels those that are crossing over either from this physical plane to the next, confused spirits holding on to guilt or souls questioning whether this is the right time to incarnate. In time, I will reveal more details but until then, please stay open to mystery. Listen to your heart and try not to judge the information you receive as possible or impossible. Just sit with it. Trust that you are being guided by forces that are all too safe. These forces are teaching us all. It is all possible. Feel free to remind me of this if I have a freak out episode on my way to Resignation Day.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Countdown to The Superman Effect- 57 days
So am I really going to quit my job to become an author during the deepest Recession since the Great Depression? (Obama’s words, not mine).
Which of my fears are real? H1N1, 9.8% unemployment, loss of employer sponsored health coverage, never wrote a book, big mortgage… The fear feels real. Is it really real? Where does it come from? I can honestly say that I don’t have a clue where it comes from. I have always been taken care of. I live in a safe neighborhood, have always paid my bills on time, family is in great health and have already found health coverage that is identical to what I have at the university. I think you can already see that I can put my thoughts on virtual paper. So why am I freaked? I don’t know, but I am.
I went online, looking to see if I can find a way to get more people to read my blog and ran into road block after road block. I Googled: “How can I get more people to read my blog?” I followed the sages’ advice and went searching for popular websites on personal transformation and spirituality. They surprisingly seemed most unwelcoming. Was it me? James Arthur Ray was nice but was more interested in how I could take his weekend seminar than providing an email address to contact him. Wayne Dyer is coming to all cities at the same time but couldn’t find an email address for him either. Gaia.com is a great community site with a million blogs. You can create your own micro site but it would be easier to find me on blogger.com.
My fear seems real and only serves one purpose: To keep me from acting. My head is spinning with sayings: “Keep on moving don’t stop, no-o”, “The only thing you have to fear is fear itself”, “This is not the time to analyze your life”, “Is it true?”.
By the way, if I am afraid that I am not creative enough because I got mediocre marks in my audition to attend BU 21 years ago, then what about the fact that I received the 2004 Best Supporting Actor awards from Westword and the Rocky Mountain News for my portrayal of Lucky in Waiting for Godot? Which story am I going to listen to?
One last saying: “I think I can, I think I can”.
Which of my fears are real? H1N1, 9.8% unemployment, loss of employer sponsored health coverage, never wrote a book, big mortgage… The fear feels real. Is it really real? Where does it come from? I can honestly say that I don’t have a clue where it comes from. I have always been taken care of. I live in a safe neighborhood, have always paid my bills on time, family is in great health and have already found health coverage that is identical to what I have at the university. I think you can already see that I can put my thoughts on virtual paper. So why am I freaked? I don’t know, but I am.
I went online, looking to see if I can find a way to get more people to read my blog and ran into road block after road block. I Googled: “How can I get more people to read my blog?” I followed the sages’ advice and went searching for popular websites on personal transformation and spirituality. They surprisingly seemed most unwelcoming. Was it me? James Arthur Ray was nice but was more interested in how I could take his weekend seminar than providing an email address to contact him. Wayne Dyer is coming to all cities at the same time but couldn’t find an email address for him either. Gaia.com is a great community site with a million blogs. You can create your own micro site but it would be easier to find me on blogger.com.
My fear seems real and only serves one purpose: To keep me from acting. My head is spinning with sayings: “Keep on moving don’t stop, no-o”, “The only thing you have to fear is fear itself”, “This is not the time to analyze your life”, “Is it true?”.
By the way, if I am afraid that I am not creative enough because I got mediocre marks in my audition to attend BU 21 years ago, then what about the fact that I received the 2004 Best Supporting Actor awards from Westword and the Rocky Mountain News for my portrayal of Lucky in Waiting for Godot? Which story am I going to listen to?
One last saying: “I think I can, I think I can”.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Countdown to the Superman Effect- 58 days
On May 17, 2009, while walking from the kitchen to the bathroom (short walk, small house), I was stopped dead in my tracks by a recall of a scene from the movie Superman I. This scene is responsible for my decision to quit my job, start this blog and transform the way I see what is possible in my life.
EXT. WHEATFIELD - DAY
CLARK KENT stands quietly, immobile, staring north as the late morning sun hits the side of his face. The look is trance-like as if some force were pulling at him. There is a rustle in the wheat behind him. He does not turn...
CLARK
I... have to leave.
MARTHA enters frame, stops, looks at him thoughtfully, full of emotion.
MARTHA
I... knew this time would come.
I knew it from the day I found you. .
“When I was eight years old, my mother took me to see the movie Superman. I remember how excited I was to see on a big screen the object of my toy obsession. It was the first time my mother had taken me to the movies without my sisters and I was on top of the world. This scene has stuck with me all my life. The moment when Clark Kent became Superman."
The Superman Effect
My Quest for the Moment When Everything Changes
By Dennis Rodriguez
5-17-09
“In a twinkling of an eye, Clark knew his life was changed forever and his mission had truly begun. Clark had no choice but to act. He “had to leave” his home and follow his destiny. It was a moment that was expected with absolute certainty by Clark’s mother and was seized without hesitation by Clark Kent.
EXT. WHEATFIELD - DAY
CLARK KENT stands quietly, immobile, staring north as the late morning sun hits the side of his face. The look is trance-like as if some force were pulling at him. There is a rustle in the wheat behind him. He does not turn...
CLARK
I... have to leave.
MARTHA enters frame, stops, looks at him thoughtfully, full of emotion.
MARTHA
I... knew this time would come.
I knew it from the day I found you. .
“When I was eight years old, my mother took me to see the movie Superman. I remember how excited I was to see on a big screen the object of my toy obsession. It was the first time my mother had taken me to the movies without my sisters and I was on top of the world. This scene has stuck with me all my life. The moment when Clark Kent became Superman."
As I arrived in the bathroom, I turned to my wife and said “I have an idea for a book! I want to call it the Superman Effect. As fast as I arrived, I was gone to grab my computer and start typing...
The Superman Effect
My Quest for the Moment When Everything Changes
By Dennis Rodriguez
5-17-09
“In a twinkling of an eye, Clark knew his life was changed forever and his mission had truly begun. Clark had no choice but to act. He “had to leave” his home and follow his destiny. It was a moment that was expected with absolute certainty by Clark’s mother and was seized without hesitation by Clark Kent.
Many throughout history have experienced such a moment. Where old constructs of who we think we are fade away, and a sense of clarity of purpose comes upon us that is undeniable. Moments that crystallize our destiny and compel us to willingly surrender. This moment is filled with a love that burns all perceptions of fear and illusions of separateness. It calls us to act with conviction, and completely transforms the way we perceive the world and our place in it. Overnight, we are made aware of our mission and purpose for being. It can reach us as the sound of roaring waves or as a still small voice, but when it arrives, there is no doubt. We are moved by the creative force of the universe to say 'YES' and live.
I realized that I had already read many of the books I would use for my research but I had no idea that this decision to follow a higher purpose would catapult me to a journey that would lead to multi-dimensional healing, spirit communication and a realization that everyone I come in contact with supports my vision with enthusiasm. So why didn’t I just quit my job right on the spot?
Although perceptions of fear and uncertainty about becoming a transformational author were dissolved, worry about what would replace my secure job in the interim remained. After all, I have a family that counts on me to help earn a living.
Tomorrow, I’m going to write about this real fear. Thankfully, lately it has not been overwhelming. I’m still on track to fulfill my dream. Keep rooting for me. I’ll need you to get to Resignation Day.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Countdown to the Superman Effect- 59 days
So what did I mean by ‘I might even tell you my true story”? On the one hand, I’ve got a pretty ordinary life: I was brought up in the Bronx, NY, one of four kids with very little means. This was the pre-Guliani New York of the 70’s and 80’s with lots of gang activity, drugs, dirt and hookers. My parents did the best they could do with what they had. A little bit of faith, Puerto Rican food, music and endless shouting matches to relieve stress. Most of my friends had as their highest ambition in life to move to Westchester and go to a community college. I wanted to be an actor, go to college hundreds of miles away and do it my way. After 25 school plays by the time I graduated high school, I was accepted to Boston University’s School of Fine Arts. I struggled with my confidence as an actor the whole time I was at BU. One day I sneaked into my school’s administrative office and read my student file. I found out that in my audition, I had received less than mediocre marks and drew the conclusion that the only reason why I got a scholarship to attend BU was because I was Hispanic. So Marlon Brando I was not, but still earned a BFA. What was I to do? I know, I’ll go to Grad School in Missouri of all places and get an MFA in Acting!
Okay, I’ll stop my bio-tribe there. You’ll hear a lot about my insecurities in the next 59 days. I’m not smart enough, not creative enough, I worry about money, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t go to church enough, I got an MBA after an MFA but didn’t learn anything. This is NOT my true story. Like Byron Katie says in the book “Loving What Is”, this is the story I’ve been telling myself to keep me from believing that I deserve happiness. If I take a step back and get over myself, I see the healer, the man that brightens other people’s lives, who wears his heart on his sleeve and will do anything to bring happiness to others. This man is committed to his family and the raising of consciousness across the globe. He has developed a world view that is rooted in a hope for a better tomorrow and a compassionate understanding of the human condition. This man resonates with a higher wisdom and a higher vibration that opens doors to unseen worlds. Same guy and you’ll get to know them both.
Tomorrow, I’ll write about the moment when everything changed for me. No doubts about quitting the university. At least not today.
Okay, I’ll stop my bio-tribe there. You’ll hear a lot about my insecurities in the next 59 days. I’m not smart enough, not creative enough, I worry about money, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t go to church enough, I got an MBA after an MFA but didn’t learn anything. This is NOT my true story. Like Byron Katie says in the book “Loving What Is”, this is the story I’ve been telling myself to keep me from believing that I deserve happiness. If I take a step back and get over myself, I see the healer, the man that brightens other people’s lives, who wears his heart on his sleeve and will do anything to bring happiness to others. This man is committed to his family and the raising of consciousness across the globe. He has developed a world view that is rooted in a hope for a better tomorrow and a compassionate understanding of the human condition. This man resonates with a higher wisdom and a higher vibration that opens doors to unseen worlds. Same guy and you’ll get to know them both.
Tomorrow, I’ll write about the moment when everything changed for me. No doubts about quitting the university. At least not today.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Superman Effect- 60 days
Dennis Rodriguez is in:
The Next Top Spiritual Author Competition
Click link to Vote: http://www.nexttopauthor.com/profile.cfm?aid=1005
The countdown has begun. In 60 days, I will quit my eight year old secure management position at a well known university and embark on a journey of dream fulfillment. At a time when the world is afraid of rising unemployment, double digit inflation and a full-scale economic collapse, I’m quitting my job! What am I thinking? I’m not. I have no choice. I am compelled to follow my heart without reservation. Why? Because of what happened on May 17, 2009.
A dream was branded in my heart. A dream of a new life that bears no resemblance to the ordinary one I have lived in public and yet it eerily echoes through time as a memory of childhood fantasies, day dreams, and visions of the future. When I was a child, I was enraptured by the idea of flying across oceans, gazing at the stars and building a time machine, flux capacitor and all. (Didn’t everyone memorize every line from Back to The Future?) I wanted to learn about mystics and saints and go beyond my mind and body. I was told by my grandmother that I was special and that I would accomplish great things. I felt different, as if I was wiser than my fearful existence allowed me to portray. I could not stop my dad from yelling incessantly at my mother but I always knew that our family life would culminate in forgiveness and peace. As a child, I was fearful of dancing or speaking in front of others and yet I have demonstrated an outgoing personality and have chosen theatre and acting as the predominate vehicle for my education. I’d rather be insecure than proud. Yes, this comes from my Catholic upbringing and has kept me from believing in myself. It is the choice I have made to ensure that I never fly too close to the sun. Something or someone has made a different choice for my life, propelling me towards a new identity.
The time has come to realize my true nature. 2009 has revealed spiritual teachers and guides that have painted a glorious portrait of this new identity. “Your work will be published” said one. “You are a holographic matrix healer, a shaman” said another. Yet, there has been a war going on inside of me that keeps me from believing what my loved ones seem to already know- I am more than who I think I am. There was a reason why all my life I have asked the question “What else is there?” This question was not a recipe for enlightenment, or was it?… no, at least not in the traditional sense. Enlightenment is surrendering to the moment as perfect. My approach was to always want more from the moment. Never being satisfied with how I felt, what I was doing or where I was going. Dennis equaled complainer and working as an administrator at a university for eight years gives you daily material for complaining. My journey has been to tirelessly search for a buried treasure. A treasure that would bring stillness to my mind and the answer to the only universal desire. While I searched, I lived an ordinary existence in the eyes of most who knew me. Yet I never stopped having flying dreams or exploring the cosmos and quantum particles through my limited capacity for understanding. I have finally found my treasure! I won’t spoil the surprise by telling you what it is. My expectation is that in 60 days, we will all know.
First, let’s learn about the moment that birthed my first book which will be published in 2011: The Superman Effect: My Quest For The Moment When Everything Changes. Tomorrow I’ll start telling you my story (I might even tell you my true story) as we move one day closer to Resignation Day!
The Next Top Spiritual Author Competition
Click link to Vote: http://www.nexttopauthor.com/profile.cfm?aid=1005
The countdown has begun. In 60 days, I will quit my eight year old secure management position at a well known university and embark on a journey of dream fulfillment. At a time when the world is afraid of rising unemployment, double digit inflation and a full-scale economic collapse, I’m quitting my job! What am I thinking? I’m not. I have no choice. I am compelled to follow my heart without reservation. Why? Because of what happened on May 17, 2009.
A dream was branded in my heart. A dream of a new life that bears no resemblance to the ordinary one I have lived in public and yet it eerily echoes through time as a memory of childhood fantasies, day dreams, and visions of the future. When I was a child, I was enraptured by the idea of flying across oceans, gazing at the stars and building a time machine, flux capacitor and all. (Didn’t everyone memorize every line from Back to The Future?) I wanted to learn about mystics and saints and go beyond my mind and body. I was told by my grandmother that I was special and that I would accomplish great things. I felt different, as if I was wiser than my fearful existence allowed me to portray. I could not stop my dad from yelling incessantly at my mother but I always knew that our family life would culminate in forgiveness and peace. As a child, I was fearful of dancing or speaking in front of others and yet I have demonstrated an outgoing personality and have chosen theatre and acting as the predominate vehicle for my education. I’d rather be insecure than proud. Yes, this comes from my Catholic upbringing and has kept me from believing in myself. It is the choice I have made to ensure that I never fly too close to the sun. Something or someone has made a different choice for my life, propelling me towards a new identity.
The time has come to realize my true nature. 2009 has revealed spiritual teachers and guides that have painted a glorious portrait of this new identity. “Your work will be published” said one. “You are a holographic matrix healer, a shaman” said another. Yet, there has been a war going on inside of me that keeps me from believing what my loved ones seem to already know- I am more than who I think I am. There was a reason why all my life I have asked the question “What else is there?” This question was not a recipe for enlightenment, or was it?… no, at least not in the traditional sense. Enlightenment is surrendering to the moment as perfect. My approach was to always want more from the moment. Never being satisfied with how I felt, what I was doing or where I was going. Dennis equaled complainer and working as an administrator at a university for eight years gives you daily material for complaining. My journey has been to tirelessly search for a buried treasure. A treasure that would bring stillness to my mind and the answer to the only universal desire. While I searched, I lived an ordinary existence in the eyes of most who knew me. Yet I never stopped having flying dreams or exploring the cosmos and quantum particles through my limited capacity for understanding. I have finally found my treasure! I won’t spoil the surprise by telling you what it is. My expectation is that in 60 days, we will all know.
First, let’s learn about the moment that birthed my first book which will be published in 2011: The Superman Effect: My Quest For The Moment When Everything Changes. Tomorrow I’ll start telling you my story (I might even tell you my true story) as we move one day closer to Resignation Day!
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