Just when I thought I was out of the war inside me… it pulled me back in! I have maintained a pretty positive outlook about quitting my job for the past 40 days but today has been a challenge. The mind plays some funny tricks. What has changed? My circumstances are the same as they were yesterday yet today, I was confronted with a barrage of thoughts:
“Who do I think I am quitting my job at a time like this? My writing is not that good. Am I being responsible? Why hasn’t Wayne or Deepak called?
Time to question my negative thoughts (Thank you Byron Katie):
Why isn’t it the right time to quit my job? How do I know my writing is not good enough? Who sets the standard? How do I know that teaching my kids to follow their dreams and let go of fear isn’t the most responsible thing I could do in life? How do I know Wayne or Deepak have even gotten to my blog much less decided not to call?
If I take a moment and really question the foolishness of my insecurities, I realize that even if a writing career does not work out, I am bilingual, have two masters’ degrees, have taught at a university, have held a stable management job for years and I am pretty resourceful. So what is wrong with me? Why do I feel insecure about my future today? It’s as if old residual stuff not at all connected with my present reality is surfacing and working its way out. “Sit with it, Dennis. Don’t judge it; just let it flow up and out.”
About a month ago, I lost my Iphone. You might say “So what, it’s just a phone.” You don’t understand, it is my iphone! Prior to this year, I have never owned a cell phone and I went right to a 16G Apple Iphone.
It was 9am when I realized my iphone was nowhere to be found. I work seven minutes from my home and knew that I had left the home with my Iphone so I must have dropped it during my seven minute walk. After exhibiting the behavior of a man who was about to have a full blown panic attack, I went right into sleuth mode. I went online and checked my AT&T phone logs to see if any calls were placed after 9am. There had been eight calls made. I called each and every number.
“Excuse me, you don’t know me but I lost my phone a few hours ago and a call was placed to this number from whoever has it. Can you check your caller display to see if you recognize the person who called you at 9:31, 10:08, 11:02.. I disconnected the service with AT&T and waited. At 1pm, I got a callback from the man who had my phone.
“ I found your phone. I’m really sorry. My mom said I had to call you and return it or she would call my parole officer.”
Did he say… ? Ignore it Dennis. “When can I get my phone?”
“I can’t today, I don’t have a car.”
“Well, I don’t want you to steal a car to get me my phone” (a bad joke that fell on deaf ears) but I need my phone today or else I’ll have to call the police.”
“I will get you your phone. “
An hour later, I got a call from a woman. “I have your phone. I have been helping this young man ever since he was a teenager. He is a troubled kid.
“He said you were his mother”
“Oh no, not me. Where could we meet so that I can get you your phone. I am unemployed so I can meet you now if you’d like.”
We met at a safe Starbucks not far from where I live and work. I gave her $20 for her help and she gave me a huge hug. We parted ways. I got my Iphone.
At around 7pm that night I got another call. This time from a good friend of the man who took my Iphone. It turns out that the man who took my phone is mentally disabled and that the woman who retrieved my phone was indeed his mother. The woman on the line then said in a haunting tone “There is more to this story than you know.” “Listen”, I said, I appreciate you calling me back but I’d rather not learn anymore.”
“Do you pray?, she said. “Please pray for him and for his mother.”
I said I will and then hung up.
I’ve thought about this incident a great deal the past month. Why did it happen? I believe it happened so that I could remember two things:
1. I am a resourceful person who knows how to use his noggin.
2. There is always more to anybody’s story than we know.
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