The day began with an all-staff meeting. At least 50 people crammed into the break room to hear updates and recognition from us managers. I envisioned what would the next all-staff meeting be like? The next one will be around the time I am to resign and I will have a platform to make the announcement to everyone in my department.
I am finding it increasingly difficult not telling people at work about this blog. There is so much positive energy around it and I would love to share it with those I am close with at work. My time has not yet come. There is the matter of Google’s organic listings. It is becoming easier to find this blog on the web so I really don’t know how much time I have before people at my university find it. Do I have 37 days or one? Does it matter? If people find out, then they are meant to. If they do, will I feel like a lame duck that is not taken seriously when making decisions? Will people at work cheer me on or feel like I am abandoning them?
It is a trip to sit with the uncertainty of it all. There is freedom in surrendering to uncertainty. At first it feels uncomfortable and you want to control and grasp what you think you know: “I’m sure some will miss me. I’m certain some will cry. I know who will be happy for me and the heck with those that aren’t.” Or the flip side: “I guarantee they will feel let down. I doubt they’ll replace me. They just can’t find out yet.” The truth is I don’t know anything, and that’s ok. If I can just give in to the peace of not knowing what the next moment will bring, life becomes exhilarating. Our thoughts create the perceptions of our present reality and they rarely reflect what is really real.
I do love the people I work with and I treasure so many wonderful memories. I will miss Shakespeare Friday with one of my co-workers where I would recite monologue after monologue from any Shakespeare play he chooses. Or going out onto the sales floor like a running bull in a china shop to cheer my reps on. I will miss the daily grapes that are left in my office by a man who has been working at the university for 30 years reminding me to get my fruit intake. Most of all and oddly enough, I will miss the tragic moments. The moments that brought us all together: Sudden deaths that we shared and long illnesses that we suffered through.
When my family and I were in Canada during my mother in law‘s final days, prayers were being sent over the internet on a daily basis. The support was palpable and it sustained me through a very difficult time. My employees would tell me that their inspiration to meet their goals was to not let me down in my absence. You cannot buy this type of loyalty and it does make me wonder if I am reciprocating this loyalty by resigning? I don’t know, and that’s ok. I don’t need to know.
In many ways the vision of that last all-staff feels like a funeral. The man my co-workers thought they knew will pass away soon and the man you are all getting to know will then emerge. It is important to me that the man they thought they knew be eulogized well. Why is this important? I don’t know.
I saw a friend tonight who is the most “full of life” woman you’ll ever meet. She embodies how I would like to be remembered. As someone who was full of life.
There is one thing I do know for certain: My time will come. So too will yours.
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