When I was 10 years old, I fell deeply in love with a girl. I was sure I was going to marry her and told her as much. She was an ensemble member of our 5th grade play- Damn Yankees. I played the lead character Shoeless Joe Hardy which meant we would see each other in class and during drama rehearsals. A minute would not go by when I wasn’t thinking of her. I was convinced as only a 10 year old could be, that she was the one. At the end of my sixth grade, she called me to tell me she was moving and that we would not see each other again. She said she was playing the board game “Life” with her family that day and that the number 10 kept coming up on her dice. Through a broken mini-heart I said “Why don’t we make a pact, to see each other again in 10 years and get married?” She said yes!
The year I graduated from Boston University, my sister ran into my childhood sweetheart on a NY subway. I was home by then and she invited her over. I instantly remembered our pact. It had been 10 years since I last saw her. We dated for a year with what I can only describe as a tempestuous relationship. I still felt however, that she was the one I was to marry. A few days before Christmas she called me to tell me that we would not see each other again. She had rekindled a relationship with another man from Boston. My heart felt like it would explode and the only balm available was the loving arms of my newborn nephew. Holding him tight released the pain of utter betrayal I felt in my chest and these regular hugs made the holiday season a bearable one.
I am thankful for this break up. It forced me to make a decision that would forever alter the direction of my life. A decision that to this day has given me everything I could ever need.
The year after graduating with a bachelor’s degree in acting was filled with as much rejection as there were auditions. I could not land an acting job in NY. I would get callbacks but no gigs. It was a dark and depressing time. Had I spent four years studying to be an actor with no prospects of a career? I worked in the World Trade Center- Tower 2 as a temp that year and passed the time wondering will I ever do anything great with my life. I worked there most of the year and did not care that there had been a terrorist bombing. Losing my childhood sweetheart was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It was time to leave NY.
I am thankful for this period of deep depression and loneliness in NY. It forced me to look at making a change. Soon after she left me, I called the University of Missouri and set up an audition to enter the Master of Fine Arts program. I was headed to Kansas City. I had no idea at the time that my future wife was waiting for me. She had traveled as many miles as I had from the opposite direction and we were to meet in the middle. Describing what my wife means to me is like asking me to describe God. She is closer to me than any adjective or metaphor could articulate. My love for her is not something I feel as an outside force but is inexplicably intertwined with my very being. There is no denying it, she and I are one.
If I stop to look at the dark nights in my life, I am thankful for each and every one of them. They were not fun to experience but they each had a strong lesson to teach me and most importantly, they have brought me here with you now. Every experience of pain brought with it a deeper appreciation of joy and meaning, without exception.
During Thanksgiving dinner today at the home of one of our closest friends, we all went around the table and said one thing we were thankful for. The five children present went first. My six year old daughter said “I’m thankful for everything.” So am I.
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