I slept last night! I think it helped to write about one of my greatest obstacles to dream fulfillment: fear of success, arrogance and a fatal fall. I find it fascinating that the process of putting my words out there, not only provided peace of mind but it also jogged some deep-seeded memories. I remembered today that as a nine year old, I read for the first and only time, the Greek myth of Icarus. It made such an impression on me that to this day without re-reading the story, I still remember the highlights. I even quoted part of the story in my first blog entry.
Icarus and his father wanted to fly as high as they can so they fashioned wings out of feathers and wax. Icarus’ father warned his son to be careful not to fly too close to the sun as the wax would certainly melt. Icarus did not heed his father’s warning and with the loss of his wings, fell deep into the sea.
I don’t know whether this story cast a 30 year fear spell on me or if an older memory will resurface that is the cause of my debilitating fear. I trust that what needs to come up, will when it is safe to do so.
Trust: that is another biggie, isn’t it? One of the reasons why I am including this story now instead of yesterday when it may have had more of a literary impact is because I am writing real-time without any forethought of what I am going to write about. It is a tough thing to do for 20 days straight much less for 60 as it requires superman-like trust. My wife gave me the greatest advice before I started this blog: “Don’t get in the way of your-self.” If I think too much about what I should write about, then it will stifle my creative impulses. The reason why it is getting harder is because more people are being exposed to this blog. The self-critic muses: “Am I writing too much of one thing? What if nothing comes up? Do people really care? Is it self-indulgent? Can I keep this up for 39 days? Can I really quit my job?
I was looking today for the name of a movie that I saw advertized in the Nexus Holistic Journal. I knew it was a documentary about people from 100 countries being asked the same question: “What is God?”
I Googled “Nexus Denver” and still could not find the name of the movie. I did however find an advertisement for an evening with James Van Praagh and another for Wayne Dyer’s website. I decided that it is time to try to get my blog out there so I emailed Van Praagh and posted a message on Dyer’s Healyourlife.com blog. I also sent an email to Nexus editors letting them know what I am doing. Nexus is the paper that focuses my thoughts and sparks my intuition. There are times when a single ad featuring the face of a therapist or a description of a therapy speaks volumes to my heart and shifts the trajectory of my day. It reminds me that help is ever present. We just have to be open to its many forms.
Why is it so hard to trust that if creativity has sprung for 20 days it can do so for 39 more? I am convinced that my dreams cannot manifest unless I deal with my resistance to trust. This blog is part of the therapeutic process. I will once again heed the words of my wife and “get out of the way of my-self.”
James, Wayne or the Nexus person,
If any of you three are reading this, I know it is not the greatest of marketing tactics to admit to my fears about continuing this blog, but this is really just about being honest and true with my-self and the world. I trust you understand.
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