What a fascinating dichotomy! There is so much movement around my new life: I am hearing of groups getting together and discussing my blog, people are letting me know about contacts they have with established writers who might be able to help, I have an interview with the travel agency that could provide a flexible, work from home opportunity, I have gained fluidity in my writing and have made deep connections with my loved ones through this blog. Yet at the same time, I am so ingrained in my work right now. As we head towards the start of the spring semester in January, the work that needs to be done is overwhelming. By the sheer number of projects I am involved in, I know I am valued by my co-workers and that I will be missed. 26 days is not a long time. I am trying to do all I can to set up for success those I leave behind. Not enough time.
I feel like I have reached the point of no return, watching my past existence dematerialize and a new exciting life taking shape. I wish I had the physics background to explain what I feel. There is so much illusion constructed by our minds. We live with the illusion that time is constant and linear, that cause and effect should always make sense. We trick our minds into believing that the past equals the future, that if a risk did not work out in the past then it is certain to fail in the future. We believe that we have no choice but to carry past hurts from our childhood into our present life, even though we had such a limited capacity for coping with our feelings as a child. We create these steel fortresses in our minds of limiting thoughts: “I’m too old”, “I’m too young”,” I don’t have a degree”,” I have many degrees but I can’t apply them”, “What will my family think?” “I am too sick to be happy”, “No one has had it worse than me”. As Byron Katie would ask: “Do you absolutely know it’s true?”
I have decided to live under the premise that my thoughts and feelings are just passing stuff, only as real as I decide to make them. What I focus on determines the quality of my life. If I focus on the magic moments, then I get more of them. I can decide to believe that I am more than who I have become. (I love the Lion King!) Once I clear out my old waste, I have room for new thought forms to appear that are empowering and of a higher vibration. I then start noticing that I can create my best life now.
The real secret is in understanding the impact that feeling has on universal forces. When I feel as if I have already received what I want to attract and there is no underlying subconscious anti-feeling that is counteracting my desire, then I am in flow and events happen to support my new vision.
This is why I have spent so much time these past 33 days recognizing and purging old habitual patterns of thought that do not serve me and just contradict what I want. So I write about my insecurities, sit with them without beating myself up and watch them pass like Chinese food. I then create some space and then replace them with empowering thoughts and feelings that support my new life. The most amazing part of this journey is learning to stop judging myself. My partner at work has a saying: “It is what it is.” Everything we cognitively know about reality is just a vehicle. This earth is hurtling through space carrying us, our bodies are moving about carrying us, our mind acts like a neat repository of our thoughts, carrying them around from place to place. So if it is all a vehicle, then why don’t we just enjoy the ride? It is what it is. You know how I know? Because it is. This moment cannot be any different than it is. It’s no surprise that when Moses asked God, “What is your name?” God answered: “I am that I am”. It is what it is.
So work will most likely be crazy next month. We will meet our goals and my last day will be a happy one. Unless something distracts me, tomorrow I will write about why I am really doing this. By the way, I have not forgotten about what I wrote in the first entry. I have discovered a treasure and I can’t wait to tell you what it is. I will however wait till day 1. It’s a doozy!
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