I’m afraid of success. I don’t know where it comes from but I have a fundamental fear that if I am successful, I will be tempted by pride into arrogance. This arrogance would lead to a cataclysmic fall. It is as old of a mythological story as the Fall of the Light bearer, yet it is all too real in my psyche. I was deeply affected by the reports of death coming out of Sedona, Arizona. For those of you not aware of what I am referring to, acclaimed self-help guru James Arthur Ray, who some of you may have seen in “The Secret” or on Oprah, was conducting a sweat lodge ceremony in Sedona that went awry. Here is a guy who was on top of the world, writing book after book on creating harmonic wealth and charging $9000 for a weekend retreat. Even though he is not legally liable for the deaths, by the sounds of reports coming from his organization, he undoubtedly feels responsible on many levels and is experiencing an excruciatingly painful test of his faith.
You have read about the events that led me to quit drinking and you may recall that in my first entry, I wrote: “I’d rather be insecure than proud.” If I am being truthful with myself, at a deeper level I am afraid of my new life. Every day that I build in self-confidence is a day that I must confront my ego, like the timid Oliver Twist asking: Please universe, “can I have some more?” I know that my subconscious wiring does not want to be wealthy or well known. It doesn’t even want to leave the university. This inner resistance is at odds with my new vision and is responsible for any delays in manifesting my dreams and vision. It is hard for me to accept that at any level I want to stay in my little box, but in its acceptance, I begin the process of reprogramming my mind and create space for something new to take its place. This is hard work; to look deeply at our resistance to freedom, success, joy and abundance. If I told you that subconsciously you don’t want to be happy, would you believe me? It is; however, necessary work, without which affirmations fail, journaling or having a vision board seems useless and we wonder why everything does not change. For me, the ultimate resistance culprit is fear of falling from grace, of losing my loved ones because of a fatal mistake, of reaching the height of success only to see it all be taken away because of arrogance. I want to fully welcome success, wealth, abundance, joy, freedom and love.
I took the day off from work today. Did not sleep last night. Boy that twin kicked my you know what. I feel ready to get back into prayer. Needed the five days off. I’ll let you know if anything comes up. 40 days left till I resign. Should I start a fast? Nah, I’m not Jesus.
“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"- John 5:6
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