When it comes to sending out positive intentions and manifesting my dream reality, today was not the best of days. I found myself being consumed by thoughts of fear. As always, my wife was there to listen to my negative diatribe. “What if I am making a mistake? I have never written before” “Well then, you get a job” she said. “It was so easy when it was just the two of us and we could pack up our two suitcases and my books, move to Seattle without jobs or apartment. Now we have two precious little ones counting on me...on us.” She then capped the sparkling coffee talk with: “I’m more afraid of what our life will be like if you don’t try to see this through.”
Anthony Robbins has a name for this process: The Dickens Pattern. I have been thinking about Charles Dickens, author of The Christmas Carol ever since I saw the new 3D movie version with my six year old last week. You are probably wondering whether it was appropriate to take my six year old to watch those scary spirits contort, morph and wail. Probably not. I did my best to cover her eyes at the scary parts. How could I have resisted the chance to have a date night with my little lady? We took the train to the theatre, held hands down the streets and went and got a Starbucks baby coffee afterwards (Soy steamer with sugar free vanilla syrup). Magic moments.
Scrooge had a choice to make after he was last visited by the ghost of Christmas yet to come: He knew there was more pain associated with continuing to live his life from a place of distrust and selfishness, that would ultimately lead to an unredeemed death, then there was if he forgave himself and changed everything about how he treated others.
I too have the same choice. Which future carries more pain? Life five years after taking a major risk to quit a secure job and become a writer or life five years after staying at a job that no longer brings joy and fulfillment to my life? I have not been visited by the ghost of Christmas yet to come (At least not yet). I do believe that it is important to get some leverage on attaching more pain to what my life would be like if I don’t change my job: The lack of motivation and energy that I feel when I go into the office and face the same unchallenging obstacles day after day, the depression that sets in when I feel guilty about taking a day off to take care of a sick child, the extreme frustration that I feel when faced with a constant barrage of political maneuvering by school administrators, and worst of all, my unending work complaints directed at the love of my life.
Could I imagine what my life would be like at this point if I didn’t follow my heart and just deleted this blog? I would continue to be moving a mile a minute at the office, superficially revealing what is appropriate to run a business. My despair with not being able to reveal my true nature has kept me from playing with my children and embracing my life. I have retreated into a dark cave and have shut out the world because of my facade. I have to do this!
The second part of the Dickens Pattern is to attach as much pleasure as you can to making the change. Instead of focusing on my “what ifs”, I choose to focus on your great emails. I have received so much support from all of you. When I am feeling frightened by the changes I am proposing, I do two things: I talk to my wonderfully wise wife (that usually does the trick) and I read your emails. Here are just a few. You have no idea how much I need these right now.
"Well Dennis, your blog is quite something. Your writing talent far exceeds many who could only lightly touch the depths in which you write. I wish you the best of luck on your continued journey not only to your Resignation but the path in which you are being called to follow. Thank you for sharing yourself."
"Dennis,
Your blog keeps getting better and better. I admire your vulnerability and your courage. I see that when you write from your heart, your words carry tremendous power and authenticity. Keep it up. You are an inspiration!"
"Wow, I'm up to day 53. Don't you feel that you are inspiring a revolution in our culture? We are in such a collective emotional depression. You know how contagious that is and it has to be stopped."
"Hello Dennis,
Still following :-)
I must say that your writings allow me to peer deeper into your soul than ever before.....I admire your courage to "expose" your deepest thoughts and thought processes in such a public way."
“My brother, my brother. I love you. Thanks for sharing yourself with me and the world. I read your blog, every entry as soon as I got it day before yesterday. It is honest, enlightening and compelling. I
think even if I didn't know you, I'd be rooting for your transformation from corporate to holistic. Because I do know you, I actually believe your receptiveness to energies as they come and go.
I know 1st hand that you are intimately aware of spirits that I could only barely perceive. I'm proud of you for being diligent with your relationships, especially your relationship with God. “
Had a bit of scare today. I noticed my darling little sis posted the link to my blog on Facebook. I had to ask her to delete the posting. The university has over 2000 fans on Facebook and I have a profile page. Too soon. I plan to give her the honors after Resignation Day. I love you little sis.
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